I blame Alton Brown.

That's right, Alton. It was you. Allll you. You had to make a show that was interesting enough for my engigeek of a husband to watch. You had to focus on food that is manly, inspiring him to try to perfect each of your recipes, one by one. You had to make pretzels that looked so tasty he decided right then and there to make me some. (he had absolutely no encouragement from me with this endeavor...none at all. really.) You had to specifically NOT include a recipe for Whole Wheat pretzels, leaving us to fend for ourselves with the conversions. We are on the healthy eating campaign, after all, mister. You should be, too. Don't you watch Oprah? So, Alton Brown, if that is your real name, it is YOUR FAULT that the crowning jewel of my kitchen, the creme de la creme of kitchen gadgets, burnt her little motor out on some thick, heavy, pretzel dough.

Rest assured, Mister Brown. You will pay.